


please don't say you love me

by superskru



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Minor Clarke/Anya
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2017-03-24
Packaged: 2018-10-10 02:36:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10427262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superskru/pseuds/superskru
Summary: Raven deals with telling Lexa she loves her. Clarke helps.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! This is my first published fic in a loooong time (give or take a few years) so I hope you give it a shot. It was inspired by Please Don't Say You Love Me by Gabrielle Aplin. Give it a listen! I listened to the song and just jumped at the fic so there may be a few errors. I do hope you enjoy though!

It was perfect.

That should have been my first sign that things were… off. It’s not like perfect wasn’t good. It’s just that… I knew that it couldn’t last forever. And of course, because of who I am as a person, I just had to mess it all up.

I can feel my heartbeat in my ears and my pals are steadily becoming the annoyingly gross and clammy kind. I adjust the blanket that is shielding me from the world and take a slight peek outside.

Door locked? Check.

Phone? It’s been off an hour ago.

Music? Check but barely helping the increasing sound of my thoughts.

I sigh and shift around the bed to face the wall and hide under the cover again. Okay. Eyes closed. Deep breaths. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

Inhaaaaaale.

Wait. Did Clarke say hold my breath for 5 seconds or 7?

How long has it been?

Maybe I should exhale now.

Exhaleeee.

What did Clarke say anyway?

My breath hitches and suddenly my thoughts cling to that one name. Clarke.

A wave of emotions hit me. My mind is swimming and the frustrating part is, I can’t seem to hold on to anything to keep for afloat.

“Clarke is your best friend. Clark is the ultimate sweetheart. Clarke has moved on. Clarke is happy and dating. Clarke is creating art again. _Beautiful art, tbh_. Clarke is so genuinely nice and thoughtful. Clarke even let you date Lexa. Clarke was even happy for you when you told her you had a crush on Lexa. Would Clarke get mad if you hurt Lexa? Clarke might ruin you if you ruin this. Would Clarke care? Of course Clarke would care, she loved Lexa. But she loves me too, right? I’m her best friend. But Lexa is so charming and everyone loves her and if Lexa stopped hanging out with everyone… well, everyone would kill me. Especially Clarke. Damn. Clar-“

 

I shoot up out of the covers as my thoughts are rudely - but thankfully - interrupted by my door swinging open.

 

And then, I am met with dazzling blue eyes. Fuck. I thought of her too much and now she’s here.

“I locked that, Clarke.” I deadpan.

This annoying friend of mine just grins. “We do have keys. Plus, door locked. Music up. Not returning any of my calls OR texts? I know what that means.”

“You know, I could have been masturbating, Clarke.” I sass at blondie.

“Nah, you wouldn’t be playing music up that loud. Nor would you be playing some sad ass old school Coldplay.”

She has a point.

Clarke stops the music and I whine for a bit before she sits on the side of my bed. “I could have had a bad day at work.”

Why am I still arguing about this?

“It’s Saturday.”

Ah. Another good point.

It’s quiet. It’s awkward. Or maybe I’m awkward. What should i say? Should I say anything? Will Clarke start? This is fucking hard.

“What did Lexa do?” Clarke asks after what feels like an eternity.

I shrug. Are we even allowed to talk about things like this?

“I’m still your best friend, Raven. Even if it is Lexa.” Clarke - who may or may not be a mind reader - says and places her hand on mine.

“Lexa - she - she didn’t do anything. That’s part of it. It’s not a huge part but it’s a part, you know? But really, none of this would have happened if I hadn’t opened my huge mouth.”

“I don’t understand.”

Okay. Time to be a big girl.

I position myself to face Clarke. I’m about to open my mouth when I see the worry in Clarke’s eyes. Well then, this little lose thread over here looks interesting.

“Raven…”

Okay. Deep breath. Here goes nothing. “WewerecuddlingaftersexanditwaswarmanditfeltgoodandomgClarkeItoldLexaIloveher.”

“Yeah… I didn’t catch any of that.”

I throw my best glare at Clarke. Do not make me repeat myself, Griffin. “I. Told. Lexa. I. Love. Her.”

Clarke gasps. Does it make it more awkward that I can tell she tried not to gasp?

“During sex?”

I shake my head. “After.”

“And Lexa didn’t say anything?”

“Her eyes got big. She got quiet. I mean, she doesn’t need to say it back. I get it. But I got scared! I DON’T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT. I jumped out of bed, put my pants on and just ran out the door. Like. Literally. I ran from her apartment to ours.”

“That’s like 10 blocks.” Clarke says, obviously impressed.

“Then I ran in here. Shut off my phone, locked the door and hid under the covers. I can’t deal with it, Clarke. What if she doesn’t want to see me anymore? What if I ruined it?”

Clarke is silent for a while before she pulls me into a hug. I sigh. I just want the world to swallow me whole.

“I… she means a lot, Clarke. You know me, I’m not a fan of relationships and I’m not big on feelings. I dunno why I said it… and if I could take it back, I would. Just so things would go back to what it was, you know?” My eyes are stinging because damn it, tears, you are NOT falling. I’m clinging on to Clarke’s shirt. I’m scared.

Clarke being the angel that she is, is rubbing soothing circles on my back. “This is gonna sound cliche, but just talk to her, Raven.”

“I’m scared.” I admit out loud and the first tear starts falling.

“Of?”

“I’m scared because what if I’m hurting you. What if I’m setting myself up for pain? What if I’m hurting her? What if I already hurt her? I’m scared of love. I’m scared she doesn’t love me. Or more like, I’m scared she won’t love me. Ever. I’m scared because what if she won’t love me because of all my damage… and both of our baggage… what if it doesn’t add up for her? What if she won’t love me because of you? And I’m so fucking scared because…” I inhale sharply and my voice is shaking. “I’m scared because I’ve never loved someone like this before.”

The admission causes the dam to erupt. My tears are flowing, I can’t stop them and I’m ruining Clarke’s shirt. Clarke is still rubbing my back, and whispering “It’s okay.”

  And again, it’s quiet.

“Is it okay?” I ask.

“I literally **just** said it was okay.” I can feel Clarke chuckle.

I pull away and I’m looking at Clarke face to face. Tears still running down my face. “I mean, is it okay that I love Lexa?”

Clarke nods and holds my hand. “Of course. I already told Anya I loved her.”

“Did she say it back?”

Clarke smirks. “She said it first.”

“WHAT!” I shout and now we’re laughing. My emotions are a mess as I laugh but my body still has tears to shed. Clarke stays with me for as long as she can and having emotions is exhausting because before I know it, my eyes are closed and I’m dreaming.

* * *

I wake up not knowing what time or even what day it is. My head is throbbing from the dehydration. Tears do that to you. My stomach grumbles. At least it doesn’t mess with my appetite.

I make my way to the mirror. Ugh. Messy hair. Eyes swollen. Well, whatever. It’s Clarke and she’s seen me at my worst. I grab my phone and switch it back on. 7pm.

Not bad.

A few seconds later, a string of pop ups attack the phone. “20 New Messages from Lexa Woods.” The phone icon on the lower panel has a bright red 9 on it.

Fuck. I guess if she’s ending this, it won’t make a difference if I reply a little later. I sigh and try to keep my thoughts in check as I make my way to gain sustenance.

As I reach the kitchen, my jaw drops open in amazement. On the table was a wide assortment of food. There was cheese pizza, Chinese dumpling, noodles, some tacos, nachos, a plate of chicken wings and soda. At the end of the table was also Clarke, Anya - who Clarke most probably told everything to - and Lexa, talking.

My heart skips a beat because damn it. I love this girl. But it starts to race because fuck - what are you doing here Lexa??

Lexa notices me first and stands up. I want to run and hug her and squish her. “I… I realized I didn’t know what your favorite comfort food was… so I got everything.” Lexa looks adorable as she scratches the back of her head.

I take a deep breath _been doing a lot of that lately_ and slowly approach Lexa. Lexa’s trying not to look nervous but I know her well enough. I smile and poke Lexa in the ribs causing the taller girl to jump. Fucking adorable.

“For the record, just cause I’m Latina, doesn’t mean tacos are my go to comfort food. But I do lo- _don’t say love, stupid_ \- like them all. Thank you, you idiot.” And I swear, that stupid smile she gives me is enough to make me want to tell her I love her again. She pulls me into a hug and I try my best not to melt.

“Finally! We can eat!” Anya groans.

Shut up, Anya, and let me have my moment.

* * *

 

After a great meal courtesy of this stunningly amazing girl, we’re finally cuddling on the couch. Anya and Clarke have disappeared and I hope they don’t have sex because I really don’t think I can deal with their screams of pleasure right now.

It’s comfortable. Well, it is until Lexa starts, “Raven… about a while ago…”

My whole body stiffens and I’m not looking at Lexa. “We don’t have to talk about it.”

I would like to bury myself and never mention it again, tbh.

“Please…” Lexa is pleading also and fine. Communication is key, right?

I nod and look at Lexa. Here we go again with the heartbeat in my ears and clammy hands.

“When you said you loved me… I was shocked.” I’m about to speak to defend myself but Lexa raises her hand and I shut my mouth. “But. But I liked hearing it. Okay? I was shocked because I didn’t expect you to say it first. I also didn’t expect when it happened.”

Okay. So far so good. I nod so she can continue.

“I’m also… cautious. I’ve been guarding my heart and it’s taking some time but I promise, we’re getting there. Slowly. Look at where we’re at now, Raven. Look at where we started.”

“Is that a Hamilton line?” I interrupt. Can’t help it.

“Yes but not the point.” Lexa rolls her eyes and it’s cute. Everything is cute. I’m a broken record, really. Lexa holds my hands and continues. “There’s no one I enjoy spending time with more than you. There’s no one that makes me laugh like you do. I can talk to you about anything and you’re nothing but honest with me. When I look at you, my heart still skips a beat. I love our dates, I love the sex too. That’s why I hope you understand… that even if I’m not ready to say it back yet I know I will say it. Eventually.”

I nod and squeeze her hands.

“Is that okay?” Lexa asks, unsure.

I smirk. “So you like-like me?”

 

“What are you, eight?” She pretends to hate it but I know she loves it. I give her a playful nudge. “I mean, you can’t say love. But do you like-like me?”

Lexa rolls her eyes. “Yes, I like-like you.”

And it’s fucking stupid, but I smile so wide my face hurts. I give her a quick kiss and I cuddle back up to Lexa. “Good. I like-like you too.”

Lexa sighs and I know she’s content. She pulls me close and kisses the back of my head.

And fuck it, it’s not perfect but I’ll take it. I’ll take her.

**Author's Note:**

> And that's it! Do hope you can give your comments at the end so I can keep writing and hopefully improve. Have an awesome day ahead!


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